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Losing the grip




What happens when we lose our self-respect and esteem??
Why do we lose it? Or do the circumstances forces to do it??
I face these questions often and am facing it more this days. Yes, I lost it for the whom I loved and lost it for the sake of my love only. What shall a person do when he loses it? What he faces after that?
I will share my very own experience and feelings in this post.

I was in a relationship with my girl where there was only love and surrounded by it was full of mystery. The word mystery may sound strange as it arrived after she left me. I don’t know what shall I call it now. I won’t focus much about my past but will lightly highlight the portion why I faced this. In fact, for this why, I am like why, but still what made me too loose the last level of my own esteem.

It was an episode, she broke and things happened. I was not able to bear this pain. The pain of seeing that girl whom I loved going to a wrong path, this pain was more than the pain of losing her. One day, when things went out of all limits and my hands, though it happened earlier, but despite of my 1000% effort, this was not what I tried for, I called at her home and talked to her mom and told about the things which she must not do. I was polite and gentle and behaved the way one should do to elders. Her mom was too gentle to me and listened to me and understood the point to what I was speaking. This was the last thing which I could do to save her. But, when things go in wrong way, it moves to that way only.

I knew something destructive was going to happen, so I was ready and was waiting for. My wait was over when she came back from college and called me up. I never knew that, something’s like that I will hear in my entire life. Yes, I did hear. I won’t go to the words what I heard, but it was like something that my entire world of worst parts came like an avalanche. I felt like why do I need to hear this? What crime I did? Was this for my foolish love and innocent heart to what I just now heard? I didn’t know. I was just mum and numb and she spoke on. She spelled what she never knew what she spoke. Slangs were just common things between her words. The entire call shook me up from inside. Back to my room when I returned, things didn’t stop there. She was on her mood and she continued. All I could do was to hear and to remain numb.
It’s been a weak now, a complete 7*24 hrs.

Things changed after that. In a way, I learned many things which I was not forcing myself to learn.
So, how things I let it go to this extent. It was just what I followed for my heart.
Since, the day after she broke up with me, things changed with me. Firstly I never knew the reason why she did this to me. Secondly when I found it, it was not acceptable. Thirdly, after several attempts of making her understand she didn't. I failed, failed and kept on failing. The entire loosing was not prevailing inside me. I was destroyed by myself, can’t see her getting destroyed by herself only. So, I decided I will face whatever things I do need to. It will be bad, worse and worst. But, I was ready for it. I was the one who never judged me for what reasons I was doing this. It just came inside from me and it was all due to my love and concern for her.

Someway down the line, I now realize, things must be let go in which they want. My entire mistake I now realize was not loving her, I was forcing myself to love her. That’s why due to all the forces I was losing myself and my respect, ego and esteem.

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